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This letter is for you. Not you-in-theory. You, specifically, who has always put your own pleasure last on a list that was never actually written down.
Maybe nobody told you that touching yourself was okay. Maybe someone actively told you it wasn't. Or maybe the silence around the whole topic was so loud that you just assumed it wasn't something women did, or at least not women like you. Either way, here we are. And I have some things to say.
First, Let's Name What's Actually Happening
The shame around female masturbation isn't random. It's cultural, historical, and frankly, extremely deliberate. For centuries, women's bodies were treated as things that existed for other people's use. Pleasure that didn't serve reproduction or a partner's gratification was considered suspicious at best, sinful at worst. That narrative didn't vanish when the calendar changed decades. It seeped into how we were raised, what we were taught in sex ed (or weren't taught), and the quiet looks our parents gave when certain topics came up.
Here's the thing: research confirms this isn't just a feeling. Studies published in the Journal of Positive Sexuality found that many women still carry feelings of disgust, disinterest, or discomfort toward masturbation, even when they intellectually understand there's nothing wrong with it. The body holds the old script even when the mind knows better.
That's not your fault. That's centuries of bad messaging doing exactly what it was designed to do.
What You're Actually Missing (Physically Speaking)
Let's get practical for a second, because the benefits of masturbation for women aren't soft and fuzzy. They're real, measurable, and kind of remarkable. A 2021 study in the Journal of Sexual Research found that 58% of women reported increased libido after masturbating regularly. And a 2019 Journal of Sexual Medicine study found that 73% of women said masturbation helped them relax before sleep. Your body literally knows how to be its own medicine.
Orgasm triggers a flood of oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. It lowers cortisol. It can ease menstrual cramps. It can reduce headaches. It literally strengthens pelvic floor muscles over time. And for women in partnered situations, knowing what you want and how to get there translates directly into better, more communicative sex. You can't teach someone your map if you've never read it yourself.
None of this is abstract self-care advice. It's physiology.
Your Orgasm Isn't a Bonus Feature
Somewhere along the way, women were taught that their orgasm is optional. A nice-to-have. A cherry on top of the actual event. That is simply, categorically wrong.
Your pleasure isn't a bonus feature. It's the whole point. And masturbation is how you learn what your whole point actually looks and feels like, independent of anyone else's agenda, performance, or timing.
The Mental Load of Not Knowing Your Own Body
There's a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from never quite arriving. You know the one. You're present in the moment but not in the moment. You're going through the motions but can't locate the feeling everyone else seems to have found.
Not knowing your own body creates a subtle but constant background noise. A low-level confusion about what you enjoy, what turns you off, what you need. When you don't masturbate, you leave those questions unanswered. And unanswered questions about your own desire tend to compound over time into something that feels like disconnection, or even numbness.
Masturbation is, at its core, a practice of self-knowledge. It's less "taboo activity" and more "getting to know yourself in the most literal way possible." According to Dr. Shannon Chavez, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, when women internalize guilt around masturbation, it can manifest as anxiety, body tension, and emotional conflict that affects relationships, desire, and self-esteem. That's a steep price for a practice nobody ever gave you permission to start.
You Don't Need Permission, But Here It Is Anyway
If you've been waiting for someone to say it's okay: it's okay. More than okay. It's genuinely good for you. And you've been allowed this whole time.
The 'I Don't Know How' Problem (And It's More Common Than You Think)
Some women don't masturbate not because they don't want to, but because they genuinely don't know where to start. They feel clumsy about it. Or they try once, it doesn't immediately feel like a movie montage, and they assume they're somehow doing it wrong or just not built for it.
Here's what nobody says loudly enough: it takes practice. Your body needs time to learn what feels good. The nerve endings are there, the capacity is there, but the pathways to pleasure often need to be discovered gradually. The best masturbation positions for women aren't the ones from any checklist. They're the ones you figure out by actually being curious about your own body without judgment or deadline.
Start slow. Start simple. Stay curious.
When a Little Help Makes a Big Difference
Sometimes your hands are enough. And sometimes having a tool designed specifically for your anatomy makes the whole thing click in a way nothing else does. Clitoral vibrators are, for many women, the bridge between "I've tried this" and "oh, that's what everyone meant." They're not a shortcut. They're just a very well-designed key.
If you're curious, the Lem Clitoral Massager from Hello Nancy is a genuinely lovely place to start. It's compact, intuitive, and designed with real bodies in mind, not a fantasy of what a body should look like.
Or if you're drawn to something with a bit more sensation range, the Berri Edging Clitoral Massager offers a tapping sensation that a lot of women find more intuitive and less overwhelming than traditional vibration. Both are body-safe, whisper-quiet, and very good at their jobs.
What You're Really Reclaiming
This isn't really about orgasms. Or, it is, but not only. When you start masturbating, or when you return to it after a long absence, you're doing something quietly radical. You're deciding that your body belongs to you. That your pleasure is your business. That you don't need to be turned on by someone else's presence to deserve to feel good.
That shift in orientation. From body-as-object to body-as-home. That's what's actually at stake here.
The women who know their bodies tend to advocate for themselves better in every context. In the doctor's office, in the bedroom, in relationships where their needs have historically been deprioritized. Self-knowledge is not a trivial thing. It has a way of spreading. You can explore more about the connection between intimacy and emotional wellbeing if you want to go deeper on how this all connects.
And If It Still Feels Complicated
That's allowed too. Feelings about sexuality are layered, especially for women who grew up in environments where the topic was forbidden or shameful. There's no timeline here. No finish line you need to sprint toward. Some women start exploring at 20, some at 50, some at 70. Your body didn't expire. It's still there, still capable, still curious, if you let it be.
Go gently. Give yourself the grace you'd give a friend who was learning something new for the first time.
Bottom Line
You deserve to know your own body. Not because it'll make you better in bed for someone else (though it might). Not because some wellness article told you to. But because you are a complete person with a nervous system full of capacity for pleasure, and that capacity exists for you.
The women who benefit most from masturbation aren't some special category of uninhibited people. They're just women who decided, at some point, that their pleasure mattered enough to pay attention to. You can make that decision today. Right now. Or whenever you're ready.
We're not going anywhere. And neither is your body.
Want to make your journey even more exciting? I've handpicked some amazing toys and goodies at Hello Nancy that'll add extra sparkle to your intimate moments. (Here's a little secret, use 'dirtytalk' for 10% off!)
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal for women to never have masturbated?
Completely normal. Many women grow up in environments where masturbation was never discussed, discouraged, or actively shamed, so not starting the practice is a very understandable outcome. There's no "right" age or timeline for exploring your own body, and starting at any point in life is entirely valid.
What are the health benefits of masturbation for women?
Regular masturbation can help reduce stress, improve sleep, ease menstrual cramps, and strengthen pelvic floor muscles. It also releases endorphins and oxytocin, which support mood and emotional wellbeing. Research suggests women who masturbate regularly report higher libido and more satisfying sex lives overall.
Why do women feel guilt or shame around masturbation?
The shame many women feel is deeply rooted in cultural, religious, and historical messaging that treated female sexuality as something to be controlled or suppressed. This conditioning can persist even when someone consciously knows it's irrational, because the body holds learned emotional responses. Unpacking that guilt is a gradual process, and it's one many women work through over time.
How do I start masturbating if I've never done it before?
Start in a comfortable, private setting with no time pressure. Begin with gentle touch and focus on what sensations feel pleasant rather than chasing a specific outcome. Many women find that using a simple clitoral vibrator helps them discover what works for their body more quickly than manual touch alone.
Can masturbation improve my sex life with a partner?
Yes, significantly. When you understand your own body and what brings you pleasure, you're better equipped to communicate that to a partner. Self-knowledge reduces guesswork and builds confidence, both of which tend to make partnered sex more satisfying and connected.
Does masturbation affect hormones or libido in women?
Masturbation triggers the release of dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, all of which support mood, bonding, and desire. A 2021 study in the Journal of Sexual Research found that 58% of women reported increased libido with regular masturbation. Far from depleting desire, it tends to build it.
Is it too late to start masturbating if I'm older?
Not at all. Women explore their sexuality at every stage of life, and the body retains capacity for pleasure regardless of age. Many women actually find their 40s, 50s, and beyond to be the most sexually self-aware and satisfying periods of their lives precisely because they've let go of the pressure and judgment that made earlier exploration difficult.
What is the best sex toy for women who are new to masturbation?
For beginners, a simple, non-intimidating clitoral massager tends to be the most approachable starting point. Products like the Lem Clitoral Massager are compact and intuitive, making them a great first option. The key is choosing something body-safe, easy to control, and low-pressure in its design.
Why can't some women orgasm during masturbation?
There are several reasons, including high stress, internalized shame, unfamiliarity with your own anatomy, or simply not having found the right type of stimulation yet. Orgasm is not a performance benchmark. Think of early masturbation as exploration, not a test. With patience and curiosity, most women find what works for them over time.
