Let's be real, our minds wander during intimate moments. And if you're plus-size like me, sometimes those thoughts take specific turns. Today, I'm pulling back the curtain on what goes through my head during sex, because honestly? We should normalize these conversations. 💭
The Mental Playlist of a Plus-Size Person During Intimacy
When clothes come off and the mood heats up, my brain doesn't exactly shut down. Instead, it kicks into a different gear, one filled with a mixture of excitement, occasional self-consciousness, and often, pure joy.
"Is this position working for both of us?"
Body mechanics matter for everyone, but when you're plus-size, certain positions require a bit more... engineering. I'm constantly doing mental calculations about what angles work best for maximum pleasure and comfort. Which positions showcase my best features? Which ones might be challenging for either me or my partner?
According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of "Come As You Are," finding positions that work for your specific body isn't just about logistics, it's about pleasure. "Every body is different, and every body deserves to experience pleasure in ways that feel comfortable and exciting," she explains.
Sometimes I worry about crushing my partner (even though they've repeatedly assured me that's not possible). But mostly, I'm thinking about how to create the most pleasurable experience for both of us. Because great sex isn't one-size-fits-all—it's about finding what works uniquely for the bodies involved.
"Wow, they really desire me"
There's something incredibly powerful about seeing genuine desire in your partner's eyes. When someone looks at you with unmistakable hunger, all those societal messages about "ideal" body types start to fade away.
In those moments, I'm not thinking about what society says about my body, I'm reveling in my partner's appreciation of it. Their touch tells me everything I need to know: my softness is a feature, not a flaw.
"Should I dim the lights a bit more?"
Lighting matters, y'all. Sometimes I want the room pitch black. Other times, I want just enough light to see my partner's reactions. It's not always about hiding, sometimes it's about creating the right ambiance.
I've learned that mood lighting isn't just for people with insecurities. Everyone looks better in a warm, golden glow. Think of it as nature's filter! ✨
"I hope they touch me there... and there..."
When we're in the middle of things, I'm often channeling my focus toward sensation. How amazing does it feel when they touch that spot? Where do I want their hands next? How can I communicate what I want without breaking the moment?
Touch preferences aren't plus-size specific, but being comfortable asking for what you want is essential for everyone's pleasure. Sex therapist Dr. Laurie Mintz notes that "direct communication about desired touch is one of the strongest predictors of sexual satisfaction, regardless of body size or type."
"Am I making too much noise? Not enough noise?"
The soundtrack of sex is both thrilling and occasionally anxiety-inducing. Am I being too loud? Not expressive enough? Is my heavy breathing from pleasure or just because this position requires more exertion?
Here's a truth bomb: authentic sounds are sexy. Your natural reactions, whatever they are, can be incredibly arousing for your partner. Don't perform, but don't silence yourself either.
The Body Image Rollercoaster
"I wonder if they notice my stomach/thighs/arms..."
Let's be honest, this thought creeps in sometimes. Even when I'm with a trusted partner who has seen me naked countless times, old insecurities can make surprise appearances.
Research published in the Journal of Sex Research found that body image concerns affect sexual satisfaction across all body types, but developing body acceptance can significantly improve sexual experiences (van den Brink et al., 2018).
When these thoughts pop up, I've learned to acknowledge them briefly and then redirect my focus to sensation. What am I feeling right now? How amazing does this touch feel? Bringing myself back to physical pleasure helps quiet the inner critic.
"I'm basically a goddess right now"
Then there are the glorious moments when I feel absolutely magnificent in my skin. When my curves feel powerful, my softness feels luxurious, and my body feels like the perfect vehicle for pleasure.
These moments aren't accidental, they're the result of intentionally cultivating body acceptance and surrounding myself with people who appreciate all kinds of bodies. Nothing enhances bedroom confidence like a partner who genuinely desires exactly what you bring to the table.
"I wish I could see what they see"
Sometimes I wish I could borrow my partner's eyes for a moment, to see myself through their perspective. Because when they look at me, they're not focusing on the things I might feel insecure about. They're seeing the whole, beautiful package.
Remembering this helps me stay present instead of getting caught in my head. My partner chose to be intimate with ME, exactly as I am right now. That's pretty powerful stuff.
Beyond Body Image: The Universal Thoughts
Many thoughts that run through my head during sex have nothing to do with being plus-size, they're simply part of the human experience of intimacy.
"Are they enjoying this as much as I am?"
Most caring partners spend at least some mental energy checking in on their partner's pleasure. Are they into this? Should we switch things up? What would drive them wild right now?
This mutual consideration is what makes sex truly connected rather than just a physical act. It's not about performance, it's about creating a shared experience where both people feel good.
"I hope I don't have to pee in the middle of this"
Bodies are unpredictable and occasionally inconvenient! Sometimes my most distracting thoughts have nothing to do with how I look and everything to do with hoping my bladder cooperates for the next 20 minutes. 😅
"I can't believe we haven't tried this before!"
The excitement of discovering something new, a touch, a position, a fantasy, is universal. These moments of exploration and discovery keep intimacy fresh and exciting, regardless of body size.
Creating Your Best Sex Life at Any Size
If some of these thoughts resonated with you, here are some approaches that have helped me create a more satisfying sex life:
Communication is Everything
Being direct about what feels good doesn't ruin the mood, it enhances it. Partners aren't mind-readers, and giving them a roadmap to your pleasure benefits everyone involved.
Specific phrases like "I love when you touch me here" or "Can we try this position?" work wonders. Your partner wants you to enjoy yourself, help them make that happen!
Preparation Helps Me Feel Confident
For me, feeling my best sometimes involves a little preparation. Maybe that's wearing lingerie that makes me feel sexy, setting the mood with candles, or simply showering right before. Finding what helps you feel present and confident is personal, there's no right or wrong approach.
Focus on Sensation, Not Appearance
When self-conscious thoughts arise, I gently redirect my attention to physical sensations. What am I feeling right now? Where do I want to be touched next? This present-moment awareness helps quiet the inner critic.
Surround Yourself With Body-Positive Influences
The media we consume and the people we allow into our intimate lives dramatically impact how we see ourselves. I've curated my social media to include diverse body types and surrounded myself with people who appreciate all kinds of beauty.
Final Thoughts
Sex should be a judgment-free zone, a space where we can be vulnerable, playful, and fully ourselves without apology. Your body, exactly as it is today, deserves pleasure. Your thoughts during sex, whether they're about logistics, self-image, or pure ecstasy, are normal and shared by many others.
Remember: confidence isn't about achieving perfection. It's about embracing what is, communicating openly, and allowing yourself to receive pleasure without conditions.
Want to make your journey even more exciting? I've handpicked some amazing toys and goodies at Hello Nancy that'll add extra sparkle to your intimate moments.
Here's a little secret, use the code 'dirtytalk' for extra 10% off! 💖
FAQ
Q: How do I talk to my partner about trying positions that work better for my plus-size body?
A: Start the conversation outside the bedroom when you're both relaxed. Use "I" statements like "I'd love to try this position because I think it would feel amazing for both of us." Remember, finding what works best is about maximizing pleasure, not compensating for anything.
Q: What if negative thoughts about my body keep interfering with intimacy?
A: If negative body thoughts persistently interrupt your pleasure, consider speaking with a sex-positive therapist who specializes in body image. In the meantime, mindfulness techniques can help bring you back to physical sensations when your mind wanders to self-criticism.
Q: How important is partner selection when you're plus-size?
A: Very! Choose partners who appreciate your body type specifically, not despite it. Someone who genuinely desires your body as it is will make intimacy much more pleasurable and confidence-boosting.
