Want A Thriving Relationship With Your Partner? Be Selfish

Ever been told that relationships are all about sacrifice? That you should put your partner's needs before your own? Well, honey, I'm here to flip that advice on its head. 💅

The secret to a thriving relationship might actually be a dash of selfishness. And no, I'm not suggesting you transform into a self-centered monster who ignores your partner's needs. I'm talking about the kind of selfishness that creates space for both of you to bloom.

What Does Being "Selfish" Really Mean?

When I say "be selfish," I don't mean "ignore your partner's feelings" or "always put yourself first." Rather, I'm talking about healthy selfishness, the kind that recognizes your own needs matter just as much as your partner's.

Dr. Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert, explains this beautifully: "The oxygen mask principle applies to relationships too, you must secure your own before helping others" (Perel, 2017). This isn't just clever advice; it's essential for relationship longevity.

Think about it: How can you truly show up for your partner if you're constantly depleted? How can you give from an empty cup?

Signs You're Not Being "Selfish" Enough

Before we dive into how to be healthily selfish, let's identify some red flags that suggest you might be overextending yourself:

• You constantly say "yes" when you want to say "no"
• Your hobbies and interests have faded into the background
• You feel resentful about how much you give
• You're exhausted most of the time
• Your identity feels wrapped up in your relationship

If you're nodding along to these, don't worry. I've been there too, and there's a better way forward. 😌

Why Healthy Selfishness Creates Stronger Bonds

Here's something counterintuitive: Being a little selfish can actually make your relationship stronger. Here's how:

1. It Creates Authentic Connection

When you honor your true feelings and needs, you show up as your authentic self. And authenticity is sexy as hell. 🔥

Your partner fell in love with you, not some sanitized version who only says and does what they think will please others. By being real about your needs, you create space for genuine connection.

2. It Prevents Resentment

Constantly sacrificing your needs is like putting tiny deposits in a resentment bank account. Eventually, that account overflows, and the results aren't pretty.

Research supports this. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that suppressing your own needs leads to increased relationship dissatisfaction over time (Johnson & Spencer, 2018).

3. It Models Healthy Boundaries

When you demonstrate healthy selfishness, you're showing your partner that it's okay for them to have boundaries too. You're creating a relationship culture where both people matter equally.

4. It Keeps Things Interesting

Two people maintaining their individual identities, passions, and social connections brings so much more to the relationship table. You'll have new experiences to share, fresh perspectives to offer, and you'll avoid that dreaded relationship staleness.

How to Practice Healthy Selfishness

Ready to bring some healthy selfishness into your relationship? Here's how to start:

Know Your Non-Negotiables

Take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you. Maybe it's your morning workout, weekly dinner with friends, or quiet time to read. These aren't selfish luxuries, they're essential parts of who you are.

Relationship coach Kate Mansfield suggests: "Identify the top five things that make you feel like yourself, and protect them fiercely. Your relationship will be better for it."

Communicate Clearly (Without Apology)

Next time you need something for yourself, try expressing it without the apologetic preamble many of us default to.

Instead of: "I'm so sorry, but would it be okay if I took some time to myself this weekend? I know we usually hang out but..."

Try: "I'm going to take Saturday morning for myself to recharge. I'll be back for our afternoon plans feeling refreshed and present."

Notice the difference? One asks permission and centers guilt; the other states a healthy need with confidence.

Practice Saying No

Saying "no" is a muscle that gets stronger with use. Start with smaller situations where the stakes feel lower, and work your way up.

Remember, every time you say no to something that doesn't serve you, you're saying yes to your well-being and, by extension, your relationship's health.

Make Self-Care Non-Negotiable

Self-care isn't selfish, it's necessary maintenance for showing up as your best self. Schedule it like you would any important meeting. Your partner will benefit from the happier, more centered version of you that results.

Maintain Your Own Social Circle

Your partner is amazing (I hope!), but they can't meet all your social and emotional needs, nor should they have to bear that burden.

Maintaining friendships outside your relationship isn't just healthy for you; it takes pressure off your partner to be your everything. Win-win!

How to Navigate Potential Conflicts

Of course, any shift in relationship dynamics can create some friction. Here's how to navigate potential bumps:

Start With Small Changes

If you've been the self-sacrificing type for years, don't overhaul everything overnight. Begin with small assertions of your needs, and gradually work toward bigger ones.

Use "I" Statements

When discussing your needs, frame things in terms of how you feel rather than what your partner is doing wrong. "I feel more centered when I have time alone" lands better than "You never give me space."

Reassure While Standing Firm

It's possible to be both loving and boundaried. "I love spending time with you AND I need to see my friends regularly" is a perfectly reasonable position.

Be Receptive to Their Needs Too

Healthy selfishness works both ways! Create space for your partner to express their needs as well. The goal is balance, not replacing their dominance with yours.

The Beautiful Paradox: Selfishness Leads to Generosity

Here's the magical thing about healthy selfishness: When you're fulfilled and your needs are met, you actually have more to give your partner, not less.

You'll find yourself being generous not from obligation, but from a genuine overflow of good feelings. You'll listen better when you're not exhausted. You'll give more heartfelt affection when you're not resentful.

As relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman points out, "The healthiest relationships are those where both partners advocate for their own needs while remaining attuned to their partner's world" (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

When Selfishness Goes Too Far

Let's be real, there's a line between healthy self-advocacy and just being a jerk. 🙃

Healthy selfishness is balanced with consideration. It's not about dismissing your partner's needs or only thinking of yourself. If you find yourself never compromising or being unable to consider your partner's perspective, you might have tipped too far in the other direction.

The sweet spot is caring for yourself and your partner, recognizing that both are essential for a thriving relationship.

FAQs About Healthy Selfishness in Relationships

Isn't being selfish bad for relationships?

Unhealthy selfishness (only considering your needs) is harmful, but healthy selfishness (honoring your needs while still caring about your partner) actually strengthens relationships by preventing resentment and fostering authenticity.

How do I know if I'm being too selfish?

If you rarely consider your partner's feelings, frequently dismiss their needs, or find yourself unwilling to compromise ever, you might have crossed from healthy to unhealthy selfishness.

What if my partner resists when I start prioritizing myself more?

Some resistance is normal, especially if your relationship dynamic is shifting. Open communication about why these changes matter to you is key. A partner who truly cares about your wellbeing will adjust, even if it takes time.

Can both partners be selfish at the same time?

Absolutely! In fact, that's the ideal, both partners advocating for their needs while remaining considerate of each other creates the healthiest relationship dynamic.

Does being selfish mean I should do whatever I want without considering consequences?

Not at all. Healthy selfishness still involves consideration and care for your partner, it just doesn't sacrifice your essential needs and wellbeing in the process.

Final Thoughts: The Courage to Be Selfish

Being "selfish" in the way I've described takes courage. You might worry about seeming demanding or fear that prioritizing yourself will push your partner away.

But here's the truth: A partner who truly loves you will want you to honor your needs. They'll want the full, vibrant version of you, not the drained, resentful shadow that emerges when you constantly put yourself last.

So take a deep breath and start advocating for yourself. Your relationship will thank you for it. ✨

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