We're all guilty of it.
Saying "yes" when we want to say "no." Pushing our own needs to the bottom of our to-do lists. Sacrificing personal pleasure for practically everything else.
Sound familiar? Thought so. 💭
Here's a radical thought: what if your pleasure deserved the same priority as that urgent work email or your friend's last-minute favor request? What if setting boundaries wasn't selfish but actually essential for your wellbeing?
Let's talk about reclaiming your time and creating boundaries that put your pleasure first. Because honestly? It's about time.
Why Your Pleasure Keeps Getting Postponed
Before we dive into boundary-setting, let's get real about why your pleasure consistently gets the short end of the stick.
Society has this funny way of teaching us that taking time for ourselves, especially for pleasure, is somehow indulgent or unnecessary. We've internalized these messages so deeply that saying "I'm busy tonight, I'm having me-time" feels almost... rebellious.
According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of "Come As You Are," this is especially true for women. "Women are socialized to be the givers of pleasure rather than the receivers," she explains, "which makes it doubly difficult to prioritize their own pleasure without feeling guilt or shame" (Nagoski, 2021).
But here's the thing about pleasure, it's not just about physical satisfaction. It's about honoring your needs, nurturing your relationship with yourself, and ultimately showing up more fully in all areas of your life.
Recognizing When Your Boundaries Need Work
Not sure if your boundary game needs strengthening? Look for these telltale signs:
You feel resentful about how you spend your time. That simmering irritation when someone "steals" your evening with another favor? It's your inner self screaming for boundaries.
You can't remember the last time you had uninterrupted pleasure time. Whether that's a luxurious bath, a solo date with your favorite toy, or simply lying in bed reading erotica, if it's been forever, your boundaries need work.
You apologize for taking personal time. "Sorry, I can't make dinner, I need some me-time" should just be "I'm not available tonight." No apology necessary!
You're constantly exhausted. When your energy belongs to everyone but you, burnout isn't just possible, it's inevitable.
Setting Pleasure-First Boundaries: A How-To Guide
Alright, enough theory, how do we actually do this? Let's break it down into manageable steps.
1. Get Clear on Your Pleasure Priorities
You can't set boundaries around something if you're not sure what that something is. Take a moment to reflect: What brings you pleasure? What makes you feel alive, connected to yourself, relaxed, or excited?
Maybe it's:
- Reading erotica without interruption
- Taking a lazy Sunday morning with your favorite toy
- Dancing naked in your living room
- Simply having space to fantasize and daydream
Whatever it is, name it. Claim it. It deserves space in your life.
2. Schedule Pleasure Like It's a Non-Negotiable Meeting
We schedule doctor's appointments, work meetings, and coffee dates, but somehow pleasure gets relegated to "if I have time."
No more! 🙅♀️
Block out time in your calendar specifically for pleasure, and treat it with the same respect you'd give any other appointment. This isn't just about sexual pleasure (though that absolutely counts); it's about any activity that brings you joy and connection with yourself.
3. Create a "No" Script
Having ready-made responses makes boundary-setting so much easier in the moment. Try these on for size:
"That sounds fun, but I'm not available that evening." "I've already made plans for that time." (Yes, plans with yourself count!) "I'll need to check my calendar and get back to you." (This gives you space to decide if you genuinely want to say yes)
Notice what's missing from these responses? Apologies and detailed explanations. You don't need to justify taking time for yourself.
4. Start Small and Build
If you're new to setting boundaries, jumping straight to "I'm unavailable for three hours every Saturday morning because I'm prioritizing my pleasure" might feel intimidating.
Start smaller. Maybe it's 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with your bedroom door locked. Maybe it's saying no to one social obligation this week.
Boundaries are like muscles, they get stronger with regular exercise.
Communicating Boundaries to Partners and Friends
Here's where things get interesting. Setting internal boundaries is one thing; communicating them to others is where the real courage comes in.
With Partners
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman notes that "every positive relationship is built on a foundation of mutual respect for boundaries" (Gottman, 2018). This respect doesn't happen accidentally, it requires clear communication.
Try this approach: "I've realized I need more time for self-pleasure and personal space. This isn't about you, it's about me honoring my needs. Can we talk about how to make this work for both of us?"
The key is framing boundaries as additions to your relationship, not restrictions. You're not taking something away from your partner; you're bringing a more fulfilled, pleasure-positive version of yourself to the relationship.
With Friends and Family
The principles remain the same, though the specific language might change: "I'm working on prioritizing my personal time more. So while I'd love to help/attend/participate, I need to pass this time."
Remember: people who truly care about you want you to be happy and fulfilled. They might need adjustment time, but they'll respect your boundaries.
When Boundaries Get Pushed
Let's be real, not everyone will cheerfully respect your new boundaries. Some pushback is almost inevitable, especially if people are used to you being eternally available.
When someone challenges your boundary:
- Stay calm and repeat your boundary: "I understand you need help, but I'm not available this evening."
- Resist the urge to over-explain or apologize: Your time is yours. Period.
- Offer an alternative if appropriate: "I can't today, but I could help you next Tuesday."
- Remember: someone's reaction to your boundary is about them, not you. Their disappointment is not your responsibility.
As therapist and boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab puts it, "Boundaries aren't about controlling others; they're about controlling what you allow in your life" (Tawwab, 2022).
Creating Pleasure Rituals Worth Making Time For
Now for the fun part! 🎉
Once you've created space through boundaries, what will you fill it with? Here are some ideas for pleasure rituals that deserve a regular spot in your calendar:
The Sensory Exploration
Set aside 30 minutes with no goal other than exploring what feels good. Touch different parts of your body with varying pressure and speed. Use different textures like silk scarves, fur mittens, feathers. The only rule? Follow pleasure.
The Fantasy Hour
Dedicate time to simply daydreaming and fantasizing. No need to act on anything, just let your imagination wander. Consider keeping a fantasy journal to track what excites you most.
The Full-Body Self-Date
Run a bath with your favorite scents, play music that makes you feel sensual, and take time afterward to moisturize every inch of your body. Follow with whatever form of self-pleasure calls to you.
The Educational Pleasure Session
Read erotica, watch ethical porn, or explore educational content about pleasure techniques. Learning about pleasure can be pleasure in itself!
The key to any pleasure ritual is presence. This isn't about rushing to a finish line, it's about savoring every sensation and moment.
Maintaining Boundaries for Long-Term Pleasure
Setting boundaries isn't a one-and-done activity, rather it's an ongoing practice. Here are some tips for making pleasure-focused boundaries stick:
Check in with yourself regularly. Are your current boundaries working? Do they need adjusting?
Celebrate boundary victories. Notice and acknowledge when you successfully uphold a boundary, especially if it was challenging.
Forgive boundary slips. We all have moments of saying yes when we mean no. Instead of beating yourself up, use it as information for next time.
Remember your why. When holding boundaries gets tough, reconnect with why you're doing this: because your pleasure matters.
FAQ: Your Boundary Questions Answered
Q: Isn't it selfish to prioritize my pleasure when others need me?
A: Self-care and setting boundaries isn't selfish, it's necessary. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask first. When you honor your needs, you show up more fully and generously for others.
Q: How do I set boundaries without hurting feelings?
A: While you can't control others' reactions, clear, kind communication helps. Focus on "I" statements rather than blame, and emphasize that your boundary is about your needs, not a rejection of them.
Q: What if my partner feels threatened by my need for solo pleasure time?
A: Open conversation is key. Reassure them that self-pleasure complements partner intimacy rather than replacing it. Invite them to establish their own pleasure practices too.
Q: How do I handle the guilt of saying no?
A: Recognize that guilt is normal but not a reason to abandon your boundaries. Start with smaller boundaries and build your "saying no" muscle gradually. Remember that every "no" to someone else is a "yes" to yourself.
Wrapping Up: Your Pleasure Revolution Starts Now
Setting boundaries that prioritize your pleasure isn't just about having more orgasms (though that's a delightful side effect!). It's about reclaiming your time, energy, and right to joy.
It's about recognizing that your pleasure matters, not as an afterthought, but as a central part of your wellbeing.
So start small. Set one boundary this week. Schedule one pleasure appointment with yourself. And watch how this ripples out into every area of your life.
Because when you prioritize your pleasure, you're not just changing your schedule, you're changing your relationship with yourself. And that, my friend, changes everything. ✨
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